Ghost Post: December 2025
I am thinking, as I often do when December rolls around again, of Jay. I don’t remember from whom I heard – it might’ve been James, it might’ve been another friend – that something was very wrong, but I do remember thinking that he was going to have to be okay, because I couldn’t imagine the world without him. It simply didn’t seem like a possibility. And here we are, 13 years on the other side of it.
Further along the tracks of this train of thought, I am thinking of the ways in which we’re made of everyone we’ve ever loved. Not a novel thought by any means.
I’m thinking of how much he believed in me, how much it was his belief in me that made me braver, that still makes me braver.
I’m thinking of social events I’ve been going to lately, contrasting them with my attempts at socialising when I was younger. Sitting at a coffee shop where I didn’t order coffee, with an old friend and her new circle, listening to them share inside jokes I’d missed and discuss movies I hadn’t seen, I felt out of place, unwanted, annoying. I got older, and trusted that the people who said they enjoyed my company were honest with me, and found out later that I was just as unwanted in those circles as I’d felt I was in previous ones. That people ridiculed me behind my back and moaned about being obligated to invite me to things.
I found dealing with people in my physical space difficult. I remember sharing joy with Jay, and how wanted and special he always made me feel. How he introduced me to people he knew I would love, who would also love me. How he’s there, in the weaving of the fabric of the community around me. How every time I spend time with people I genuinely click with, who I like and who like me, who value my presence and are happy to see me, I can feel Jay there, too.
I’m thinking of the other people I’m made of. Of the family friend whose kourambiedes I make for Dionysia every year. Of the friend who put Valentine’s Day in a new light for me, turning a day I dreaded into a day I love.
One of my students asked me why I always wear odd socks, and I told her it’s because of my youngest brother. I’d decided, when I was a teenager, to stop matching my socks, because no one cared if my socks matched and it took up too much of my time. One day, the two socks I grabbed out of the drawer happened to match. I accepted serendipity and walked down the stairs, and the moment he saw me, my youngest brother burst into tears. He was too distraught to even tell me what was wrong, but eventually managed to point at my feet. I took the hint, went upstairs and changed one of my socks, and peace was restored.
He doesn’t even see my socks any more – although I could send him a daily photo and I do think he’d be tickled by it for exactly a week and a half – but every time I grab a pair of matching socks, I put them back.
We keep people alive and with us in little ways like that every day. We all know that. I'm not breaking any ground. But it's what's been on my mind as the calendar turns towards a difficult month: one full of joy, of companionship, of love, and of the memories of loss, of grief, of weathering the darkness.
I was right, in the end, that there couldn’t be a world without Jay. There isn’t. He’s here, as part of everyone who knew and loved him.
My birthday is tomorrow, and to celebrate, you can use code BORTH at checkout for 50% off my books on Ko-fi!
This month was very quiet, but I did have some behind the scenes progress to update Phantoms on (Patreon and Ko-fi), as well as sharing a wee snip of some of my Hollywood Gods progress.
Patreon’s new payout system seems designed specifically to fuck over immigrants, and I’ve been wrestling with creator support for over a week now with nothing to show for it. If you’re at all able to switch to Ko-fi, I would deeply appreciate the favour!
From the poll results it seems the main reason people stay here is because more creators are here than on Ko-fi – would it be of use if I put together a list of cool people you can follow on Ko-fi? Do let me know!
I’m free of my horrible job, and I’m excited to have more time to work on creative projects again.
Obviously top of my priority list this month is working more on the Hollywood Gods first draft, but I’ve also had some short stories on the back burner for a while that I’d like to take another stab at.
I’m also prioritising getting Ether & Ichor s5 into production.
There will certainly be a behind the scenes update for Phantoms, at the very least, but I’m hopeful this will be a more productive month, setting the tone for 2026.
If you’re looking for gifts for yourself or others, Joanna M. Lawrie has four books available on Amazon in ebook and paperback. Poetry, picture book, and sci-fi novella – pick your poison!
Ike has some very cool pins, earrings, and more in their shop here.
I love Cris’s Under the Stars painting so so much.
I had always chalked up the large number of shipwrecks in the Great Lakes to the simple fact that lakes are bad. Science has another answer, though!
A love letter to two Frankensteins: Guillermo del Toro’s and Çağan Irmak’s.
News you can use: people have started doing KPop Demon Hunters figure skating routines.
Currently Reading: Beloved by Toni Morrison
I’ve read a few passages of this in excerpt, unanimously from people pointing out how incredible the prose is. Morrison paints such a vivid and arresting picture – so often this book leaves me breathless. I’m not very far into it but the storytelling isn’t super working for me thus far? But what a beautiful, sensational book.
Currently Watching: The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion
I read that this is considered a spiritual successor to the last C-drama Alex and I watched, Legend of Yunxi, which ended in such an unspeakably bonkers way that I needed something, anything to make sense of it immediately. Great news: if you consider the entirety of Legend of Yunxi a coma dream the protagonist of Ruyi Pavilion has during the first episode, it makes a lot more sense. Fixed it!
Currently Playing: buddy you know it’s still Hades II
I still have not reset my story progress in order to see the expanded ending and frankly I am probably not going to because achieving the epilogue was so annoying. It was very cool and I love it as a thematic game element of the story but oh my gods. And the ending as-is worked for me. Sorry not sorry.
I loved the epilogue so much I for real cried. I don’t think I’ve for real cried at a video game since Mass Effect 3. Everyone who hates this game is allowed to have their opinion, the world is wide and contains games for us all, but I hope they all appreciate that the reason they don’t like this is because it was made in a lab to please me and me only, and I deserve all the treats Supergiant wishes to give me. :)
Currently Listening: Everybody Scream by Florence + the Machine
Who else is dying to know who the bridge of “One of the Greats” is about? Florence is absolutely entitled to her privacy and I don’t know her but girllll I’m so nosy I wanna know.
Knick Pnack’s latest list of accomplishments begins and ends with naps. I sincerely wish this for all of us. Keep in touch on Discord and Revolt, and I’ll see you soon.
29/08/24: I'm Pulling My Books From Draft2Digital
Short version: I am pulling my books from Draft2Digital’s distribution. Ebooks are still available through my Ko-fi shop and paperbacks are available through the end of August. I want to have print copies available again sometime in the future, but I don’t know how long that will be.
Long version:
Apparently generative AI companies have been approaching my book distributor, Draft2Digital, seeking to acquire books distributed through them on which to train their AI. Some authors (not me; I was alerted to this by December on Pillowfort) received an email with a survey link asking how we feel about receiving 1/10 of a cent per word for our work in exchange for training an algorithm to write stories we’ll then have to compete with in the publishing market. For context, bare minimum industry standard is 5 cents a word. We’re being asked to take a fraction of what our work is worth in order to put ourselves out of jobs in the future.
Y’all? I’m miserable about this. I’m angry, I’m exhausted, I’m devastated. It feels like this is happening at every turn and now my fucking book distributor is salivating at selling my work out from under me for pennies so that AI can write stories instead of me.
Right now it’s just a survey. But the fact that they’re even considering it tells me they aren’t trustworthy with my work. I suspect no matter how much pushback they get in the survey, they’re going to do it if they want to do it. I’m not giving them the opportunity to do this to my books.
When I was unemployed and writing was my only income, I resisted wider distribution for so long. Nearly every channel I could find required me to go through Amazon, and I wanted to stick to my guns on not letting Jeff Bezos make one red cent off me as long as I could. But I needed money, and people wanted to buy my books in Real Bookshops (and also Amazon), so I caved. And it was nice! I was grumpy about Amazon making money off me but people bought my books and I could buy groceries. If you bought books from me back then, you cannot know how grateful I was and am, and how much that helped me.
I mention this because there isn’t a mass exodus from D2D brewing. You’re not gonna see every author you know who distributes through them pulling their books. I want to be clear that I’m not making a moral judgment on everyone else. I depended on that book money and so do tons of other authors. We’re all weighing the factors in our lives and figuring out what we can bear to do. Some people are going to take that shitty deal because no money doesn’t pay the bills, and some money, even if it’s insultingly little, does. It isn’t our fault that we’re being put in the position of trading our futures for short-term cash; it is these AI companies and everyone who funds them, it is CEOs who hoard wealth and refuse to adequately compensate the people on whose labour they profit, it is capitalism, full stop. It is the system that’s been created to stop us from doing anything that isn’t making money for the man at the top.
I’m incredibly lucky in many ways, not least of which is that I start a permanent position next week which will allow me not to depend on book income as much. It still certainly helps (especially because I haven’t been paid since July and have had a broken bed and a broken laptop to replace ha ha ha) but I can afford to keep my books safe from exploitative entities.
I hate this. I really do. I wish I could just keep them available. But I really believe in doing the good I’m able to do. One person keeping their books out of the AI training buffet isn’t going to make a huge difference, but it’s four fewer books in the matrix. And if everyone who can afford to pull their books does, that’s even more of a difference. And if they don’t, at least I did what I could.
I had actually been looking vaguely at switching to a different print distributor, so at least that was already on my radar. They charge upfront, and as mentioned previously, I’ve had some financial hits between paychecks, so it’s not going to be an immediate switch. I’m also going to have to talk to them about AI now apparently!! I’ll keep you posted on how that goes. For now, I’m leaving the print books listed through the end of August, which I know isn’t much time. If you want a print copy but can’t afford it right now, let me know and I’ll be happy to get you a copy if you can cover shipping from the UK.
Ebooks are still available through my Ko-fi shop.
As a final note, in case you hadn’t picked up on this, it’s an incredibly demoralising time to be a professional author. If you’re looking for ways to help, genuinely the best advice I can give is to support your favourite authors in the ways they say help them the most. For some people it might be Patreon, for some it might be liking and commenting on YouTube videos. For me, it’s Ko-fi. And if you like someone’s work, it’s always worth saying something. Tell a friend you think might like it, or let the author know what it meant to you.
And don’t fucking use AI.
10/06/24: Authors for Palestine: Free Books for a Good Cause
I've joined over 50 other authors supporting Palestinian families in need through a fundraising giveaway! Here's how it works:
1. Donate to one of the families we've chosen through Operation Olive Branch
2. Fill in the form on our website and attach a screenshot of your donation
3. Receive free books and discount codes as thanks for your help
AND
Be entered in our giveaway to potentially receive even more free books and extras!
All participants will receive a free copy of my queer gothic ghost story romance, The Hunt and the Haunting, plus a code for 50% off everything in my Ko-fi shop. There are also two ebook copies of my novella retelling the myth of Ariadne and Dionysus, Crown of Ivy, up for grabs in the giveaway.
Check out our website for all the details!
25/05/24: Generic Foundational Blog Post Title
Preserving my post about quitting Instagram here:
I grow weary of the internet being run by tech bros who never took an ethics class. Not that it's in the least surprising, but IG is the latest platform to be mined for 'AI' datasets, and so this is where I draw the line. Link for further reading here.
For those who don't understand why artists are upset about AI - which, tangentially, is not artificial intelligence, as it doesn't think for itself but runs an algorithm on aggregated data to find the mode - these bots are fed art and writing taken from artists without either consent or remuneration, then used to approximate our creative work. From a purely ethical standpoint, these bots are trained on stolen art and used to recreate that art without paying the people who made it. From a standpoint valuing human creativity, this is both unforgivably inane and gallingly dismissive. People create art to say things to each other about the world we experience and the things we value. Who cares what the algorithm values? Art is an inherently human endeavour, and the people who create it deserve the resources to live our lives in this capitalist hellscape. Attempts to create a world where art is manufactured by robots and humans are stuck with the menial labour are so backwards it blows my mind.
I'm not a visual artist but my writing has been scraped for AI use without my consent, without my receiving credit or compensation, and without my ability to remove it from that sphere. I don't want to be part of a machine meant to replace writing jobs! I want to GET those writing jobs! But those jobs are being eradicated so that robots can have them instead, and that's supremely uncool.
Please stand with your artist friends. Don't use AI generators and don't feed the bots.